Feel like my life is over...any help appreciated?
I will write this with my best writing skills. Because I am very serious and want this message spread and GET HELP.
To start off with, I feel dead as I type this, and despite being a man(will describe more below), I am seriously ready to cry. Cry the most I ever did in my life.
I'm 18 years old. I'm a great guy, get along with everyone, cannot stand to watch people in trouble or pain. I am immediately affected by those in pain or loss.
I don't know when exactly, but since I got into 6th grade, downfall of my life started.
I am now freshman college student. From 6th grade to now, I have had no real friends. Or so I thought.
I was terrible in high school. I made no friends.I never spoke up. I never joined any activities or groups. I went to class, to class, and home. Never stood back and talked with anyone.
Because of my "shyness". And the fear to speak. Which I don't know when I developed.
If in class, I was called on to answer something, my voice would croak and drop down, an my answers will be in squeaky voice(despite I have nice, strong voice at home).
I made some friends, or I think I did. They'd always make fun of me. Call me stupid. And leave me behind in events.
I stayed alone. In the dark, cold cold dark, for 4 years of torturing high school. Where I would go to school, classes, library, and home. No one to talk to on the way to school, no one in school, and no one on the way home. I had a cellphone for those four years, and I never got to use it. Because I never had anyone to call and have a conversation with.
4 yeas ended. I started college. In hopes of having a new start, and making friends, I made my way up to the steps of college.
But I was wrong. I was beyond wrong. College is nothing like I thought it will be. It doesn't even have the high school feel. You only see a certain someone once, and for one class, then you walk your own way to another class.
It has been a year, and I have made no friends. No one I can call a friend. There is no one that even knows my name. My cell phone is in my pocket, with a few pictures and music, but wasted and never used to calling or texting friends...for the the 5th year in a row...
I decided to give Facebook a chance. To connect with my friends and classmates from junior high school. A week into it, I've found most of them. Added them.
And I am stabbed by the most sharpest truth and reality ever: None of them care for me. They all forgot me. In the many years since we parted, many of them stood connected via same high school, phones or facebook. But I not only took a different high school from ALL of them, but I never had facebook and I never saw them either.
But here they were. All together, talking and chatting as if they were still in the same classroom. Obviously they are still in connection and meet up regularly. These were MY friends, my only actul friends, back in middle school.
But these same people forgot me, because of 4 years of no contact. Here they were, with hundreds of photos from their high school life, all happy and active.
Me? I have zero pictures from high school. I have no one to take pictures of me. I have no one to take a picture with. I am only with myself.
They didn't comment on my photos, sent me a few messages, and thats it. I am online, they are online, but they never interact with me. I start a convo, it only stays alive from my end, they only answer questions and it's silence until I say something else.
But the same group I used to be part of 5 years ago, that same group is still here today, but this time, I am not among it. I got kicked out.
Some have bfs/gfs, amazing photos, PROOF they had a great life. And so on.
I have nothing to show. I have no girlfriend, never did. Had a crush on one girl, she was a friend, she lead me on, but she DESTROYED my heart my putting a police restraint on me. And I never thought ill of her. I always wanted her to be happy, safe and sound. I would make sure she was happy. I did everything for her. Everything I could.
Graduated high school. Found another girl. She lead me on EVEN worse. Then basically tells me to go to hell one day. Get this though, I am a great looking guy. I fit in, I look nice, I'm in great shape. White skin tone, 6ft tall, silky black hair, brown eyes. But she said she wants friendship. Despite leading me on.
Non of my middle school friends even care to meet up. Talked to a classmate from high school, she said "Who are you?".
You know whats fnny? I remember HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of names of my ex-classmates and even their friends from high school, yet here I am, being asked "Who are you?".
I would have done everything for my friends. But I can say for sure, they won't think a 2nd time before choosing another friend over me in a life/death situation.
-Now college, there is never chance to speak to someone.
Class starts, everyone listens
I go to college, do work, come home. END OF IT.
-No high school friends.
-Friends of middle school don't even care any more to reconnect.
-Girl I want now, I can't even find her ( I know her, but have no contact).
-I sit home on the computer, or go outside and play sports on free time.
I have no one to call and hang out with on my free time.
No one to play sports with as friends.
Or watch a movie.
Or have a small nice talk that will be etched into my hearts.
I NEED HELP. I have no friends. I have no contacts. I have no one I can call and say "lets go outside for a walk".
I am lost, sad, and bored.
My life feels like it's over to me.
And the worst part is, this feels like it's just the beginning.
I am a great guy. Funny, talkative in my comfort zone and really cool. Give a lot, take less. Care and love. Cannot stand to see anyone in pain. I am 6ft tall, in great shape. I do sports and other stuff.
I've had depression over girls. Who lead me on, but never prosposed or just simply broke my heart.
I don't know what to do. Had it not been for some MAJOR reasons, I would have had commited suicide already. But there are things that hold me back.
As I type this sentence, tears drop onto the keyboard as I recount things to write, and so much I cannot write at the moment.
And this coming from someone who never cried except in relationship problems and over the fact there is poverty and pain in the world out there.
Many times I wish I would just die, but then think of certain things and take it back.
Read this and laugh as much as you want. But I am a dead soul in a living body...and I think it's over for me...