Why is it so hard for me to make friends?
My life was perfectly fine during my middle school years. I went to a private school with only 35 kids in my class and 300 in the whole school. Our class was like family and everyone knew everyone. Once graduation came around, I was the only one in my class who went to a public high school, while everyone else continued on the private school route (we couldn't afford it). My freshman year really was a slap in the face. I didn't know how my life would turn out because I knew absolutely nobody. Even worse, the high school I'm going to now consists of 2 ''feeder'' schools "X" and "Y", so even everyone still knew each other, its just that, I didn't come from any of those public schools.
My 9th grade year was a living hell. I'd go through my classes throughout the day alone, walk through the halls alone, eat lunch alone and walk home alone. The beginning few months weren't that bad, I knew it was just a matter of time before I'd talk to someone and I was very optimistic about it. But that day never came. 3/4ths through the school year and I still went through my day alone. I became so depressed and sad and lonely that I feel that the entire year had drastically changed who I was. I was the happiest man alive hanging out with friends during 8th grade, and I went from that to being a complete depressed loner in high school.
I feel so awkward around people. I'm extremely self-concious and I've grown to have a reputation and be viewed as ''oh its that kid who has no friends''. I see the same people every now and then, and I know all their names, but they don't know me. I guess I'm just a very observant person, but people could look at me as creepy/stalkerish.
I feel so lonely. I cry every now and then and I wish and pray that I can talk/meet new people. It sucks because my closest friends were people I've never met face to face- people I"ve met through video games and such.
Being lonely sucks and I hate it so much. 9th grade has completely changed me and theres no going back to the good ol' days. That's over. My parents are always fighting and I cant make any new freinds and I cry sometimes and people give me awkward looks and I cant talk to pepole and im socialy unaccepted.
Every now and then I'll have that desire to be one of those popular kids. YES I KNOW THAT YOU"RE GONNA SAY ''hayyy its not about being popular'' but those kids are just... idk cool. They get all the attention, they go to parties and have great lives. I wish I was the person that would have girls approach them instead of me having to go up to girls. I wish I was noticed, I wish I was that cool kid who did something cool at the talent show, I wish I was that kid who played sports and everyone knew because the person would be so good at what he does. I wish for all of these things, I just want attention.
Please anyone, I just wanna talk to someone, and does anyone have any ideas on making new friends? Thank you so much for reading this and actually taking your time to go through this essay I wrote, but I've been feeling really down lately. I'm now going into my Junior year and, idk, life just sucks.